Been a while since I’ve been on Tumblr. I guess it’s only when I need some emotional outlet that I resort to writing on here. Well, here I go.
It’s all happening so fast that I can’t even begin soaking in the changes happening in my life. I guess I could say it’s like a prelude to my own fairy tale story. Just a little background to put this into a more accurate context, my dad was unemployed for 4 years. This resulted in losing our home. My mom has run into a little trouble with ‘Big Brother’ lately. And me… I’m going through Nursing school with an expected graduation date of May 2015. I just turned 21 in 2013 and I will be 22 when I graduate. This is where my sense of fear and anxiety kicks in.
Up to this day, my dad scored his dream job as an engineer, and my mom has finally settled her legal issues.
Recently I scored a job at my dream university as a CNA (Certified nursing assistant) in the Float pool. My dream school at my now dream hospital. Putting it in layman’s terms, I am a essentially a nurse that assists Registered Nurses (an RN is what I will become once I graduate) and I will be assigned to any floor in the hospital where they need me. This means I will have experience in literally every unit that a hospital has to offer. Emergency department, Intensive Care, Post-Anesthesia, Operating room, Trauma, Burn, Pediatric, Orthopaedics, Medical-Surgical, I can go on and on. With this employment, I am guaranteed an interview with the Nursing Panel that oversees the nursing staffing situation. I am essentially set for a job once I graduate and pass my NCLEX (the exam that needs to be passed in order to legally practice as an RN).
Am I capable of this responsibility?
How can I save lives when I haven’t even got mine in check?
What kind of changes am I to expect now that I will soon have a CAREER?
The very fact that this reality is a matter of a countdown rather than a once perceived pipe dream, makes me feel so afraid, excited, angst, and overjoyed. In a matter of a YEAR, I will finally be able to give back to my parents whom I know deserve so much. I will finally be able to rekindle hobbies that were put on hold. I will be able to strengthen the relationships I now have. I will be able to begin my soul searching. I will be able to TRAVEL. There is just so many endless possibilities. I feel like I’m in middle of an enormous, bustling city with bottomless pockets with no where to go but where I desire to go. Yeah, of course as an RN I would have to put in my three 12 hour shifts, but what will be of the four days that I am off?
One thing is for sure however: I am eternally, indubitably, and utterly BLESSED to be given these opportunities. I have to give back to the Big Man Upstairs. I’ve lost so much of myself and my some of my so-called friends to get where I am, but He knew exactly the kind of person I need to be, whom I need to drop in my life, and those I need to keep.
Change is not on it’s way, it’s already here. There is no way to prepare for the change but to just keep doing what I’m doing. And to those who doubted my potential, those that have judged me as immature, incompetent, and incapable, and those who thought that I would just drag them down. They know who they are… or were. Friends who have become my fallen angels. And what I say to you. Sit your sorry ass down, and enjoy the fucking show.
I think the one thing I must understand is that bullshit needs to be cut from my life. Bullshit consists of certain people, habits, routines, vices, and blah blah.
What makes you happy? What is success? What is in the way? What can be done about it?
No one is ever really busy. We make time for what we feel is important in our lives; it’s as simple as that.
It sucks that every time I do something right in the household, it’s already expected and never acknowledged. When I don’t do something, it means I’m a bad child. If I say that I slept all day because I finally have a free day to sleep in, it’s translated that I don’t care about my life and that I need to do something. When I go out and do something with my life, I am told I need to stay home because I go out too much. I’m constantly compared to my best friend, my cousins, and my parents’ co-workers’ children. I am always told these things by my parents.
I am not in a gang. I do not indulge in drugs. I have a high GPA. I got into one of hardest majors in my school. I’m still in school. I have a nice job. I have amazing friends. I am always willing to drop friends for family outings and events. I do not speak false about my parents behind their back.
It is NEVER enough for them. I will ALWAYS be inadequate.
They have no idea what their words and expectations do to me.
You’re walking down the street when a goon pulls a gun on you and demands your money. You remain calm and pull out your wallet. You’re prepared for this. You reach in for the cash but pull out five cards and summon EXODIA, THE FORBIDDEN ONE
I feel displaced. Born in the wrong time, captured in the wrong moments, socializing with the wrong people. I can’t help but feel like the timing in every thing that I do flows on the wrong tempo; I’m always a beat too soon or early.
I have the feeling that I’m destined for so much more but I don’t know how to break through the ceiling that keeps me housed in my stagnant state. I’m praying everyday God will give me my answers; my strength.
- Reblogged from the past in honor of Father's Day.
- *Dad walks in to show off his graduation program from high school*
- Me: Wow, I still can't believe you were salutatorian!
- Dad: That's from all my hard work, son.
- Me: And you had a lot of classmates too...
- Dad: Yeah, some of them are probably dead, successful, or maybe still stuck in the Philippines. They're all over the place, maybe. Who knows.
- Me: ...Do you feel that you're successful?
- *Dad collects all of the papers and puts it back into an envelope*
- Dad: I have a loving wife and a good boy son; a perfect family. That, to me, is success.